They say Test cricket is real cricket. Thirteen hapless fellows dressed in the most unglamorous of all - white - coloured full clothings, running five days from morning to evening for a result which most often than not is a draw.
The worst part is to see entire day the bowler go back to his run-up after delivering a ball. I mean seriouly what are you supposed to do during that? Watch him? Watch him what? Walk? I mean there are breaks in every game in the world. In basket ball there's the timeout. In football there's halftime. What are you supposed to do during that. But then thats once or twice in an entire game, what is one supposed to do when this happens after every fucking ball. Anyways ok, so you decide to just do nothing and simply watch him. You can see him thinking, his face in deep thoughts (his butt if you are on the wrong side) - of possibly what went wrong with the previous ball and how he can bowl the next one. And then he bowls it with all his well-thought ideas and with all those considerations of line, length, bounce, swing, grip, power etc and the batsmen simply lifts his bat to let it go. That is a dot ball. The spectators are supposed to watch it. And enjoy. If this happens six times in an over its a maiden. A maiden over is death - death by boredom. And batsmen who incur this wrath on the spectators more often are considered to be technically sound. All-time great test openers will tell you that the best way to handle bowling is to wait for the bad balls. This implies that the spectators will also have to wait for the bad ball ( and hope that the batsmen succeeds in hitting it and the fielder doesnt stop) to enjoy that little bit of excitement in the game. Geoferry Boycott/Sunil Gavaskar's great advice to opening batsmen - Give the morning's two hours to the bowlers. And what about the spectators in stadium? They should give the morning's two hours - to sleep.
Technically sound batsmen either leave every ball outside the stumps or offer a light stroke or a pad for a ball that is on the stumps. Their fans should enjoy this. Enjoy the various ways they leave/pad the ball. Two of the most famous of those - One for the spinners - outstretched with a leg in the crease while the other landed as far as possible like a dancer(I call this the Nataraja pose), and the other - straightbat with standstill for a moment after the shot (for the photographers....you see)- the freeze pose.
Cricket- I always thought in the entertainment market, was like an investment where you have to invest lots of time and be patient and the investment pays(if at all) only at maturity. You have to wait before you get to experience (any) excitement. There is a possibility of excitement at the climax(slog overs) but you will have to bear till we reach there. You have to bear till the batsman "gets his eye-in" and the bowlers "get into rythm". You have to be patient. Thats the key - patience. The batsmen have to be patient and wait for the bad balls. The bowlers have to be patient and hope for the batsmen to commit mistake. The spectators have to be patient for any of this to happen. Cricket - for sure - is a "test" of patience. No wonder only nine countries could pass this test of patience in the 150 years of existence of this game. And most of the nations were the hapless slave colonies who had to toy with their masters choice of sport for them. The game became populare there as it gave them the only oppurtunity where they could hope of outdoing their rulers. The country with the most followers for this game is India - a champion-hungry nation of a billion people with not even a single individual Olympic gold medal in 60 years of its existence. And just four instances of individual podium finishes.
A game has to ensure level playing field so that a players skills are tested fairly and its this factor alone that decides the better of the two. There is no other game in the world where win is so heavily dependent on factors other than skill. Toss, Pitch, Dew, Wind, Overcast sky, umpiring errors, rain, grass can change the fate of the game irrespective of how good a team is. In India's games, if its a spinning track, India will win, if its a greentop India will lose. Groundsman can decide the series. Whats the need for playing then- just to see how they lose or win and by what margin?
A game is also a test of skills, strategies. Ask any all time great players and they will share the secret of their lives with you- albeit the same secret. To be a successful bowler you have to ensure line-and-length, while to be a good batsmen you have to wait for the bad balls. Boy - what a hell of a strategy!!!
I always wondered who test cricket is really for. Entertainment value and target audience are factors considered when any game is conceived. Who then were the possible spectators that the inventors had in mind when this game was created. A game that is played from 9 am to 5 pm for five days. Businessmen are busy in their shops and factories. Salaried in their offices. Children in their schools, youngsters in college. This only leaves retirees, old men and women and housewives who are free during this time for five days. Were they for whom this game was designed to be watched. Generally test matches are scheduled such that the last two(supposedly more exiting) days fall on week-ends, so was this game to be watched only on the last two days. No wonder the term "highlights" has become so famous in the cricketing world. This is a selective package of the shots and wickets of the entire days play. If I got to meet the creator of this thing- highlights- I will kiss him hard- for relieving this world of so much of pain.
Rain is the biggest spoilsport in cricket. Innumerous games have been wasted because of rain. And even if it rains for a day, its enough to ensure that there will be no result of a 5-day test. So this game was meant to be played for only 8 months of a year in monsoon countries. Rest of the days the cricketers have to take rest and so should its followers. Needless to say this game can also not be played in countries with unknown rain patterns or where it rains entire year.
The Umpire is the most poor chap on the field. The ball is bowled/thrown so fast - beyond the limitations of the naked eye - that half of the times he has no clue and ends up giving wrong decisions - for run out, lbw, nicks. So they brought in a TV umpire for decision-making. This made the onfield unpire look upon as only a cap-holder. So there were petty attempts at reviving his authority - that the bowler has to appeal to the umpire for nicks - however thick or obvious. That certainly is a joke of a rule.
Many teams who think they have no chance of winning "play for a draw" - the phase which means death penalty for the watchers. To play for a draw implies that if a team cant win, they struggle to atleat not lose and try for a draw. Die-hard fans see a silver lining even in this - in a draw - that in fact their is a hidden result in that the weak team has "won a draw" while the strong team has lost because it couldn't enforce a win. A team that plays for a draw asks their batsmen to carry out the aforementioned exercise of leaving or padding the ball. As for the fans they can enjoy the poses.
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